F.L.O.M.A.R.

My Hero

2012-02-01T08:20:00.000-08:00

Deaf, Dumb and Blind

2011-12-12T19:22:00.000-08:00

a poem by Alana P. Azlan

I wish I could tell you that you meant nothing to me,
And that the time we spent was just a way of making myself feel unalone.
And I know you wish the same too.
But as stubborn as I am, I can't make it all go away,
I can't make myself forget the first love of my life..
And I wish this poem had a happy ending so I wouldn't have to be reminded
of what could've been.
Because baby, you left a gash at my centre
an inch of the way from being a through-and-through,
as if you stopped short of finishing a piece of cake.
You left a bit of me, and some crumbs.
And a year ago I was telling myself I could handle any heartache,
that pain was fine so long as I was not the one who dealt it.
I'll keep telling myself that anyway, because in a way I want to believe that's true.
And I want to believe that you left that small gap of flesh so at least
I have something left to help me heal.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we were not so frightened,
If we could just let our hearts speak for themselves without the fear
of backlash, not from anyone else,
but from our own subconscious egos.

Because to love without fear is one of the greatest things we can ever learn.

But at the state we were in, we didn't stand a chance.
Because let's face it, you were mute:
you couldn't tell me you loved me to save your life.
But I guess that's okay, because God, He made me blind:
I could not see what you were trying to show me no matter how
desperately you were trying to pull off your vague little pantomimes.
I could not see what was right in front of me.
But sometimes people are just better at listening.
Boy, what a perfectly mismatched couple we were:
you couldn't talk and I couldn't see,
which just made the silence stretch so much it was deafening.
But the silence was not as terrifying as the forcefield of pride
which was the only thing standing in our way.
Just this one solid steel wall, cold and unrelenting that was
preventing us from reaching out, clasping hands and saying'
"I need you. Stay."

And it came to a point when you stopped trying to show me,

and I ceased all efforts in making you hear me out,

and waiting for a respond that would never come.

At times I can still hear the remnants of your mumbles and moans

that are stuck in my ears,

playing over and over in my head at a constant rhythm.

And when I play that broken record backwards,

I imagine deciphering three distinct words.

And though you walked away long before I broke your code,

I am still here, stitching myself back together again.

I am still here, still insanely in love with you.

And I'll be waiting.

Listening for your footsteps.

Dear Heart (Again)

2011-12-09T08:37:00.000-08:00

Lip Movement Poetry - Words

2011-12-09T08:33:00.000-08:00

Psych Poster

2011-12-07T19:54:00.000-08:00

BBIM

2011-12-06T19:00:00.000-08:00

Al-Aqsa FS

2011-12-04T00:13:00.000-08:00

Lupe Exposé

2011-12-04T00:08:00.000-08:00

An article by A.P. Azlan

LUPE FIASCO is one of the biggest artists in the rap and hip-hop music industry. Now, you’re probably wondering why on earth an American Rapstar is included in an issue of the Al-Aqsa FS newsletter. Well for those of you who don’t know it (yet), he is in fact a Muslim and the music he produces just so happens to be very relevant to us as fellow Muslim brothers and sisters.
Let us take a brief walk down memory lane of the life of Lupe: Wasulu Muhammad Jaco was born to a Muslim family in Chicago, Illinois, U.S.A. Initially in his life, he possessed a distaste for the hip-hop genre for its obvious vulgarity, but soon after grew fond of it and started recording his own material at home. Shortly after, he joined a music group called Da Pak, which then disbanded just as soon as it began. It would have seemed that Fiasco had little luck in jumpstarting his career, but as fate would have it, he was soon introduced to iconic rapper Jay-Z who aided in signing him a record deal; his first, for that matter and debuted with the album ‘Food and Liquor’.
In an interview segment called “Encountering Islam”, Fiasco began with an introduction to his debut album, prominently pointing out that it relates to the concept of ‘halal’, or what is permissible in Islam. He makes it clear, however, that his intention is not to be “the poster boy” of Islam, but to express through music how being Muslim added depth and meaning to his life.
In ‘Inside Islam: Dialogues and Debates’, a website in affiliation to the University of Wisconsin, an article entitled “Halal Music in Hip Hop” (January 26, 2009) stated “In Islamic art, spoken and written words are considered works of art in themselves... Lupe Fiasco emerges as an artist influenced by both the Islamic tradition and hip-hop culture.”
It seems that Lupe Fiasco is on a righteous and admirable path as far as we are concerned. As a well-known African-American rapper who is Muslim and preaches about his religion as well as addresses issues that could be deemed as controversial such as those which concern the US government, it is a wonder the man is still alive today.
As for the advertising and promoting of his music, he seems to be doing it in quite a classy and dignified manner: it is a popular notion that a lot of Rap/Hip Hop/RnB/You name it, videos contain wildly provocative content. Fiasco dares to challenge that norm by showing that you don’t need sexy girls parading around in nothing more than their undergarments to make a GOOD music video.
With songs such as “Muhammad Walks”, “I’m Beaming”, “Words I Never Said” as well as his latest single “The Show Goes On”, it can be easily observed where his goals lie and what his purpose in making music is: to affect change and correct the somewhat obscured image of Islam in the West, among other things. So, after having read this, try to give his music a good listen. You may or may not like the tunes but the depth and clarity of his lyrics just might strike a chord in you.

2011-11-06T05:24:00.001-08:00

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To a dear heart [VIDEO]

2011-10-24T03:13:00.001-07:00

To A Dear Heart

2011-10-23T21:48:00.000-07:00

23rd October 2011

To Aziul Kamaruzaman, one of my very best friends, on his 20th birthday: I'm sorry I could not get you a proper gift, so I guess for this year a little poem will have to do...

Dear heart,
I can't recall the day when we first met
Because it seems as though I have known you all my life
I can't recall a time when you were not my best friend
We know each other from the inside out
You were always a friend when others left me in doubt

Dear heart,
It is as if you are my own pearl flesh and ruby blood
I would protect you from any harm that might befall you
I would write rhapsodies and sing my poetry just to see you smile
I would take you deep sea diving and mountain climbing
if it would make it worth your while

Dear heart,
Remember the moments when hurt was all that we could feel?
When the pain was too excruciating to even be real?
That was when you were my rock and I was your shoulder
We leaned on one another
And I praise God that we still have each other

Dear heart,
This may be mindless folly
But at least we still have our youth
And the pitter-patter of our young hearts
still do not yet grasp the perfect essence of time
For time is still just a speck in our rose-tinted reality

But trust me, dearest heart,
These are the days we will remember for the rest of our lives
Even if this might not last forever
Just remember that our memories will be eternal, timeless
Even if time succeeds in separating us and what we hold dear
Just know that you remain my companion, my brother, my rock
The one who makes my heart soar up, up, up in the sky
This will never die,
Dear heart.

2011-09-30T12:05:00.000-07:00

Giving in first. Is that the sign of a bigger person or someone who is desperate with separation anxiety?

2011-09-22T08:22:00.000-07:00

In general, I find myself guilty of that: being the person who always gives way to other people, be it in fights, arguments, cafeteria lines, whatever. It's like I always put my ego aside and apologize/forgive before needing to do so or before others do so. And feeling guilty even when I am not in the wrong. Even when it is me who is hurt.

I'm not specifying that or completely labeling myself as a pushover, but I share the symptoms of one. Does it arise from my incessant desire to be liked all the time? Maybe. Very likely. Even one of my lecturers pointed out that I let people take advantage of me. I don't mind, so long as it doesn't bother me. But I don't like it, how I am.

Mind you, I'm jumbling up many sides of an issue with a prevalent theme. Of which I have yet to decipher.

2011/2012

2011-09-16T04:08:00.001-07:00

Oddly enough I am truly looking forward to this new semester. Not just to get my act together and buck up more with my studies, but just to enjoy campus life as much as I can. I love UIA, and I consider myself lucky that I'm here and that I don't have an unwanton distaste for it. Now, some who read this might immediately label me as a total ass-kisser, but I really couldn't give a shit.

I like my classes and lecturers so far. The food could be waaaay better though. I love my new room. It's so cozy that I can barely leave it once I'm there. I put up new curtains (salmon red), a plush carpet (cream and brown), new cotton bedsheets (a variation of block reds) and my new favourite thing ever - my velour blanket (peanut butter-brown). I swear it's so soft, softer than the softest cat fur I've ever felt.

Also, I don't mean to sound narcissistic when I say this but, my attitude this whole week surprised me. I have never known myself to be so genuinely bright and bubbly. I mean, I think I've always been so but now in particular, really takes the cake. Whatever pent-up bitterness I had during the long break, and trust there was a lot of that to go around, is now slowly melting away.

I am so unsure of a lot of things, but this I know, I won't let anything bring down my good spirits. I'll save all the uncertainties for later. For now, I prefer to nurture this side of me and spread the love.

Golly gee, am I a total sap :P

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PD with the best of the best

2011-09-10T06:00:00.000-07:00

Raya 2011

2011-09-05T02:44:00.001-07:00

Josh

2011-09-05T02:21:00.000-07:00

Best God Brother

This Book of Mine

2011-08-17T15:32:00.000-07:00

This book of mine that I keep

locked away in my drawer,

Is blank and empty

and ultimately obscure.

This book with the words 'TRAVEL' on it and

'places to go'

'sites to see'

and 'things to do' written upon it.

This book which was kept

for three years or more,

untouched and unseen,

except for a tiny peak every now and then

to make sure it's still there.

This book of mine was meant

for so much more

than a motionless life

in a dusty drawer.

It was meant to be whisked away

to foreign lands,

to be filled with tales of adventures

and escapades to places with names

I can barely pronounce.

It was meant to be jostled around with

rugged use that only comes with backpacking,

was meant to be admired for the Polaroids and stamps

and other paper-thin paraphernalia within it.

I sometimes wish this book of mine

would acquire legs and run away,

run as far and as fast

as its magic legs would take it,

but in the end, come back again

to show me that it has finally been written in,

it has finally made it's way around the world,

it has finally fulfilled its purpose.

Alas, I can only say to my dear book,

"Wait a moment longer, we will get there.

If not our limbs, then let our heart and mind travel,

for they are one and the same here.

Let our spirit take flight to continents

we long to step foot on,

let it take us to the people we will meet,

let it soar to the very skies

and drop to the oceans,

for it is that part of us which can be made limitless."

This book of mine will

be used in time.

This book of mine will

live up to its name.

A tumblr post by my dear friend and most awesome ex-roommate

2011-08-04T07:54:00.000-07:00

There was something strange about becoming 20. I felt as if the only thing that made sense, was to keep going back and forth between 18 and 19. After 18 would come 19, and after 19, 18, of course. But you turned 20. And in the autumn, I would do the same. Only the dead stay 17 for ever.

That was Haruki Murakami’s. I edited it a bit. I’ve always liked those lines. Felt right.

So, here goes. I’m not going to go all mushy and sappy and drift down memory lane and stuff. I prefer the future, y’know. I can’t promise you a good one, but hence the existence of hope.

Banana, I think so far, you have everything you want. A nice house, loving parents, not-so-bad education system, a Russian boyfriend, and an awesome friend-slash-exroommate who is so wonderful that she wrote you this post just because.

So now, that you have everything you want, want some more. Dream. Make it happen. Then dream another dream.

I called last night to wish you in case I get sleepy. I could’ve called you today but I didn’t. I’ve no idea why. I usually could not care less. Birthdays, to me, have always been just birthdays. I’m not so fond of it still. But you gave me light on this whole celebration thing and I’m kind of slowly warming up to it.

I’m not looking forward to mine. But then, we don’t really have a choice don’t we? So what the heck, bring it on. I declare our 20th should be the start of our best years to come. Don’t wait until we’re 21. We don’t wait, we create!

So, why did Natalie Portman make that video?

Because she can.

Deeper Conversations

2011-07-18T09:46:00.000-07:00

Today

amira...... i cried watching hp7.2 :')

12:23am

i nak pergi tgk tomorrow

u dah balik tanah melayu ke??

ahaha belum

or ur watching it abroad? oooh mesti best

tanah melayu tengah bergolak

kat mana skang? bosnia? dah jumpa calon??

lol

baru balik uk 

semalam

sudaaaah

nnt i bagi tgk video

:B

ooooooh 

yay!

anything to share?

what's the weather like?

people?

geleng kepala my mom nnt tgk calon menantu dia

scenery??

hahahaa

weather: 40 degree

eh. kau serious? biar betik kau jumpa calon suami?

scenery: breathtaking

celcius?

haha , tgkla nnt

;p

ke ferhenheit?

fehrenheit

hadoi taktaula

fherehnheit?

HOW TO SPELL!!????

beza dia mcm mana

celcius kot

pi google sendiri'

fehrhernheit?

aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!

annoying nyaaaaaaa

:C

ok.. sila sambung berceritaan

pegi paris eh?

taaaak

oooooh amira plz get me something from there

paris busuk

grass, sand, stones pebbles i don't care

decided not going

seriously? SERIOUSLY??

yup

:OOOOOO

ah well, i don't think u'll miss much pun

except maybe the food

i malas laa sbb so far review tak best

yg dah pergi semua kata tak best

omG amira u will be watching hp7.2 at its brithplace!!!!

HOW DO YOU FEEL??

:OOOO

ohh , very excited and nervous

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

amiraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

jelesnya aku!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

nak itot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my initial was to avoid watching it as so to refuse the end of harry potter

agk ah.. i can't believe its over

hm tu la

the end is nigh

kan best if ada pintu suka hati

bapak aku ketawa in the cinema when i nangis kat sebelah dia

bongok ah

haha

3d ke?

not funny

u should cry ok?

baru feeling

nangis kot

i yg x hardcore pun nangis tau

sebab tomorrow all girls je

haha

teehee

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.imdb.com%2Fmedia%2Frm2111094528%2Frg527997440&h=_AQDEU6gh

?so ape cite

i  neville

heehee

nothing mucsame old same old

haih besar dah diorg :')

* much

hensem aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

oh oh am reading pride and prejudice now

muahahahahahahahahah!!!

bagus bagus

i think i'm starting to like classics

enjoy! 

we'll see

next stop anna karenina!

it will bore you to death!

no lah

haha

haha beginners dulu

ok...weh jane eyre the movie agak best 

anyways, i gi dlu

oh ha'ah dah keluar torrewnt?

work tomorrow

dah dah

download lah!

good one or cam?

good one

okay

work apa?

the story cam klu x bc the book x pham sgt the whole thing lah

with mommy

jadi kuli batak dia

living the good life lol

amiraaaaaaaaa

saya nak kirim any memorabilia of the beatles boleh?? 

t-shirt/keychain/coinpurse etc

yg murah2 je

hek eleh kat malaysia ada

x authentic

buatan china

tgk la cuz i tak pergi to diorg punya place

not sure if i'm going

ok..anything lah

if i pergi 

grass/sand/pebbles/gravel/bottled air 

ohh haa hari tu i went to the shakespeares place 

tau tau?

terlupa beli souvenir

i macam nak jerit jeeee

:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

AHMYGOOOOOOOOD!!!!!

ntah macam mana boleh terlupa

:C

tu laa

nnt nak try tanya if anyone else is going and kirim

i was there when macbeth did his last soliloquy

:CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC

best nya...

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! i wanna be there

alaa jgn macam tu , i plak rasa bersalah

haaa jgn ngada2 nak bersalah plak

hm , oh i dont like london that much

oh yeah?

too city like?

takde ape sgt pun

yup city like

mcm outside london la best

did u go to bath?

thank god my sister duduk warwick

hampstead? yorkshire?

bath jauhh

tak kot

oooh..

pergi birm'

warwick best?

shopping

haha

did u see any cute ducks by the lakes???

YES

haha

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

bwk balik satu!!!!

obses gila dgn the swans and ducks

swans ganas x mau

anak itik comel!

comel laaaa

jap jap i wall you

bila u bwk balik satu utk i, make sure its a baby duck so i can bela lama2 and then bila dah besar and buruk kita mkn 

Jane Eyre

2011-07-04T01:23:00.000-07:00

"Do you think I am an automaton? — a machine without feelings? and can bear to have my morsel of bread snatched from my lips, and my drop of living water dashed from my cup? Do you think, because I am poor, obscure, plain, and little, I am soulless and heartless? You think wrong! — I have as much soul as you — and full as much heart! And if God had gifted me with some beauty and much wealth, I should have made it as hard for you to leave me, as it is now for me to leave you. I am not talking to you now through the medium of custom, conventionalities, nor even of mortal flesh: it is my spirit that addresses your spirit; just as if both had passed through the grave, and we stood at God's feet, equal — as we are! (Jane to Mr. Rochester-Ch. 23)"

I remember the days when I was but a preteen, reading books I could scarcely comprehend. Some of which are such as 'The Persian Boy' by Mary Renault: a pseudo-historical account of the Life of Alexander the great through his beloved eunuch's eyes (at that time I of course, had no idea what 'eunuch' was), 'The Oracle Glass' by Judith Merkle Riley: a tale of a curious girl living during the reign of Louis XIV, who happens to be a seer, and the infamous 'Jane Eyre' by Charlotte Bronte: a book that to this day, continues to ever-fascinate me.

[Note to self: re-read all the above books and more]

After viewing the much anticipated and long-awaited 2011 film adaptation and remake of the BBC series, I am pleased to inform that I am very much impressed with it. Despite the fact that the book was utterly confusing for me at first and that reading it was a, and I quote my tweet for today "mysteriously bizarre" experience, the movie was.....just the same. A little less haunting, but it aroused the same feelings of wanton awe, just as I imagined it would. For non-readers who are not so familiar with the classical/period genre, you might experience the same sort of confusion that I did when reading the book. But now, that I see with somewhat clearer and more mature eyes, I can understand a great deal more of the depth and beauty of Bronte's writing and it reminds me of how old style or classical writing, especially by women of the 18th-early 19th century incomparable, and only a handful of authors nowadays can reach the great status of works by say... Austen, Wilde, Conan-Doyle, Twain, Woolf, the Bronte sisters and so on. Well, that is my opinion.

Jane Eyre is just one of the examples of how fiction is not impossible. Take a young girl, who has suffered through hardships uncommon to most i.e. emotional and physical abuse as well as betrayal by those, mostly adults who were supposed to provide her with love and protection, but instead display nothing but cold cruelty and at the same time try to convince her that she is an ingrate and an unworthy form of human being. Despite everything bad that has ever happened toward her, Jane manages to grow up into a modest, composed, intelligent, patient, resilient, wise young woman who has a steady and level head on her somewhat frail shoulders. In other words, for someone who experienced a whole lot of fucked up shit since she was a kid, she turned out pretty well: an astoundingly fascinating woman.

"Don't ever let anyone make you feel like you don't deserve what you want." --Patrick Verona

That is what I think Jane stands by.

The point I'm trying to make is it's this kind of profound writing which I very much adore. It's what drives me to the point of having a intimate relationship with the author and the characters of the book. Is it passion? Indeed it is.

And it takes a damn good film adaptation to make me feel the same goosebumps I do, when reading the book.

"I am a free human being with an independent will which I now exert to leave you." -- Jane Eyre 2011

Need I say more?

Slideshow 2

2011-04-26T23:38:00.000-07:00

Singapore 2011 (Slideshow 1)

2011-04-26T23:19:00.000-07:00

Singapore, here I come (again)!

2011-04-22T04:53:00.000-07:00

So... I am heading to Singapore tomorrow with my folks. I personally cannot wait to get there and unwind with my aunt and pubescent cousins! :D

I have packed, lightly, might I add (surprisingly enough) and am currently sitting on my bed, typing this while simultaneously tuning into Friends season 6 reruns and listening to the quirky yet haunting melodies of Sia.

We're going to take the bus this time: Aeroline, so I'm looking forward to roughly six hours of reading Tony Parsons' Starting Over, playing my DSi XL, listening to music (synching my iPod with newly downloaded Dessa and Doomtree tracks, courtesy of Sion's recommendation) and generally lounging around aboard the coach.

Will be meeting up with my linguistics classmate who lives in Singapore and who will be showing me around the city and hopefully to some awesome underground scenes they have there to offer.

Aside from that, I'm hoping to check out Universal Studios and chill at Wavehouse again. Iwas also hoping to bungee jump whilst there, but sadly they only having stinking reverse bungee. :(

I plan on getting my peeps some souvenirs...and...well, I don't think there's anything else that needs to be said.

I just re-read what I wrote. Damn. I sound bored.

2011-04-19T23:23:00.001-07:00

As much as I'd like to say that the love stories we're stuffed with on a regular basis (TV, movies, books and just people fucking walking around with the stars in their eyes) is complete bullshit, I can't. That would be a lie. A big fat one.

The deal is it's all there: the kind of satisfaction, excitement and feelings of absolute content that you can only receive from certain special individuals who touch you, who heighten your senses and make everything seem so beautiful. Those feelings could develop to become something real, or people could be left in ignorance or even just pretend that what they are experiencing actually is real. You never really know do you?

And here comes the topic where you actually have to utter your emotions to your significant other, with the infamous and commonly used 'I love you', the dreaded three words. See, it only ever works out for some people. They can end up saying it to more than one special person, over and over until those words lose all meaning. I can't. Maybe because of the fear I have of jinxing it, like I did before. I can't even tell whether I really felt love or I just felt the need to reply with the same phrase out of courtesy, the last time I used it on someone (not my friends with whom I have the capability and ease to saying it freely to), my previous significant someone. But I did love him. Past tense, DID. It wasn't 'in love'. Just a friendly 'love'.

So, someone told me, in Greek there are two ways of describing love: one is agape, which is the brotherly love and/or the maternal, paternal etc. love. Then there is eros (yes, after the primordial god of sexual love and beauty) to refer to sensual, sexual love or in other words LUST. And I think that the 'love' love is both of those and more.

But let me ask you, and this is a serious question, how the hell do you know when it's real? Some people, who have apparently felt 'love' have told me that when it happens, you just 'know'. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I mean, how can you not confuse it with infatuation and/or adoration?

Anyways, recently I've been in a less than enthusiastic mood when it comes to the agape+eros complex. To put it simple, I'm starting to think it's a load of hokum. Can you believe it? The optimist in me is fading into a darkened non-believer. Yup, I know.

Even my close friend was shocked to hear this coming out of my mouth. Hopefully this phase is short term and will pass. And like a phoenix reborn from the ashes (cliche much?), I will find myself once again ready to throw myself into something new and exciting. Something with someone who can make me happy, who is making me happy, and who I can make happy.

Yeah, give about 5 minutes.

....................................................................................................................................................................

Okay, I have found someone new. And though he may not be my ideal for boyfriend material, I'm fond of him. I know he is someone who is good, a genuine man unlike any boy my age: he is honest, generous, responsible and deep down beneath the crass and rough exterior, he is a softy at heart.

He likes me and I like him. And that's all that needs to be known. Although, I am faced with the reality of him having to go back home after he graduates next year. Back to Russia. I am accepting that, though I don't know how I'm going to handle it once the time comes. Maybe that's why I'm determined to be in this dry pessimistic stage of anti-love. Because, yet again I feel as though I could just fall. Again. There is so much more that I can tell that has been kept quiet and I think is just long overdue. But I shall save that for another time.

For now, I just want to face the days ahead with him in sheer bliss and contentment. However that may be.

Someone Like You

2011-04-12T05:45:00.000-07:00

2011-04-12T03:53:00.000-07:00

If you were to die today, would you be ready for it?

If eyes could speak...

2011-03-31T20:35:00.000-07:00

...mine would say, "You are beautiful", "Be mine, for I am yours."

and at best, our eyes speak the words our mouths will not utter.

Give me a title for this pleeeeease!!!

2011-03-12T03:39:00.000-08:00

A product of madness

stifled cries

Head under plastic bag

suffocate

gag, gag, gag

self inflicted psychotic, erotic torture

splendid

Limbs give out, lungs give in

This brain of mine, poor poor brain

spinning

Hands don't stop gripping

harder

A genital-absent orgasm

Teasing, pleasing

Don't stop!

The body is what the body wants

Sailing to the brink

It's back, everything, all black

save the red dots that are still visible through shut eyes

And then you realize

When you open those eyes

You're still alone

In a bed of your own filth

Tears appear, they flow

cry, cry...

My Name

2011-02-05T04:12:00.000-08:00

Meaning of Lana

Every baby name has a name meaning. Some names with multiple origins have more than one meaning. Look below to see the meaning of the name Lana.

Arabic meaning of the girl´s name Lana:

to be gentle, soft, tender

English meaning of the girl´s name Lana:

fair, good-looking, variation of Alana

Hawaiian meaning of the girl´s name Lana:

afloat, calm as still waters

Irish meaning of the girl´s name Lana:

attractive, peaceful

Latin meaning of the girl´s name Lana:

wool

Your Average Thursday Night

2011-01-16T07:39:00.001-08:00

You look at me, I bite my lip

To stop myself from smiling,

It occurred to me that all this while

Your eyes were truly shining,

I held your hand and made you laugh

We both just couldn’t care,

And in a blink you disappeared

As if you were never there.

But still I keep you in a box of gold and tangerine,

Your memory is precious from all that I have seen,

I stand amid the pieces of my broken angry heart,

Wishing you’d come back to me and that we’d never part

We would never part.

The splendour that’s buried in you

Comes out when we’re alone,

Your warmth is so unnerving

But it makes me feel at home,

And I was crushed beneath the weight

Of frightening content,

But the time we had together

Was never that well spent.

And still I keep you in a box of gold and tangerine,

Your memory is precious from all that I have seen,

But the hurt is so exhausting that it’s time we took some rest,

You were what I’ve always wanted, you were never second best,

Never second best.

We’re an odd pair of seashells,

We’re two kites in the same sky,

We could wash up on the sand,

We could tangle as we fly.

But we can’t hold on forever,

Not even if we try,

There’s nothing more that can be saved here,

So it’s time to say goodbye

I will still keep you in a box of gold and tangerine,

Your memory is precious from all that I have seen,

I pour myself into a glass and slide it down to you,

Waiting for your last long sip, waiting here for you,

I stand amid the pieces of my broken angry heart,

Wishing you’d come back to me and that we’d never part.

A Poem/Song by Alana Pattugalan Azlan

2011-01-08T09:09:00.000-08:00

Yeah, give about 5 minutes.

....................................................................................................................................................................

For now, I just want to face the days ahead with him in sheer bliss and contentment. However that may be.

Rhetorical

2011-01-05T21:58:00.000-08:00

When a tide washes to the shore,

will the wave not break?

If a forest that is sacred to you is burned to the ground,

does the smoke not invade your very lungs?

When the best of companions quarrel,

does it mean they do not care for one another?

If sticks and stones can break your bones,

can words still not hurt you?

When a crime is committed with no remorse,

will there be no room for regret?

If a child is weeping in despair,

does he not need someone to console him?

When affection is seen through the hues of hazel eyes,

does that affection not come from the heart?

If a loved one is aged and is struck with sickness,

is she still not beautiful to the one who loves her?

When Orpheus followed his beloved into the dark,

did he not thereafter return to the light?

If two souls are joined in a perfect embrace,

is it not because of God's own doing?

And when a heart breaks into a million little pieces,

is there no sound?

Oy Vey

2010-12-23T20:43:00.000-08:00

It's semester 2. I feel stressed. I feel paralyzed, I digress. Exasperated and frustrated, which brings no semblance to elated, but often times I feel elated, then it's replaced by constipated. To get it off my chest, I feel a mess, to put it simple, I'm a mess. Although I'm fair at just pretending, I'm better off with this just ending. It's either me, it's either you. It'll take a year to figure out who, and by that time I'd have killed you. This is depressing (manic depressive), emotions undressing until you're somehow in the nude, which (strangely) gives you a brighter attitude. On life itself, you are no judge so don't blame me, I keep no grudge, unless of course you kill my cat; I'll fuck you up for doing that. Will this make sense to those who read? Maybe if you're as peeved as me. Oh boy, how I wish that time can turn back, but then again it wouldn't do jack. We are all faced with the same fate, no matter which path we may take, so heap the gravy on your plate, and figure how to turn around your mistakes.

Kita harus mempraktikkan Bahsa Ibunda!

2010-12-01T01:14:00.000-08:00

adakah abdul hadi sudah meng-apply untuk ptptn?

saya berasa serba salah sekarang

rasa mahu tak mahu

adakah awak rasa benar benar PERLU?

sebenarnya tidak PERLU 

saya rasa ia hanya bak kata orang puteh "a bloody-fucking waste of time"

awak bayangkan , saya tinggal di Kuantan , Negeri di mana monyet dan tupai bersetubuh

tetapi kerana saya ingin membantu ibubapa saya nampaknya saya ada kurang pilihan, setuju?

tempat itu jauh dari rumah saya

saya rasa begitu juga

tetapi

boleh atau tidak jika saya mintak seperti RM5000 

KSK

saya tidak perlu RM32K , terlalu banyak

betul kata awak

KSK - ketawa sgt kuat

kalau 32K , saya akan cenderung untuk beli barang yang saya tak perlu

lagi lagi jika saya ada teman wanita , KSK

lagi banyak perbelanjaan di gombak

tidak mengapa, awak ambil sahajalah 32k

manakala saya mengambil 5k

seterusnya kami akan menemani

uuhhh..

sadis , kalau begini

saya terpaksa meminta PTPTN juga

be together in malay ape?

bersama-sama

saya tinggal jauh dari bandar moden paska millenium Kuala Zina Lumpur

ya, kami akan bersama-sama sebagai pasangan teman lelaki dan wanita

32k cukup untuk household

pada masa sama , 32K itu terlalu banyak

seterusnya kamu akan menanggung segala perbelanjaan kami berdua!

dengan 32k kamu

tapi saya perlu wang untuk berjalan jalan di Kuala LUmpur

saya akan bosan berada di Gombak

betul

kerana saya benci penzina unta di gombak

alahai

camel fucker?

wth?

arab

lol

oh

mashallah

betapa resis nya kamu in hadi

racist = rasis in melei

kita tidak boleh berprejudis sebegitu

oh ok

maaf kak alana

rasis

rasis adalah satu jenayah

dan jenayah adalah untuk orang berkulit hitam

wei, penzina ibu. mistress alana okay??

jangan cakap begitu

kecil hati

kamu ini berperangai seperti khinzir 

orang yang berkulit hitam baik

yang saya kenal lah

selain itu mereka mempunyai aset yang lelaki melayu tidak mungkin mempunyai

mmhmm

;D

saya terasa

macam khinzir dicocok besi kebab

ya, seperti khinzir disula besi kebab

pada masa sama , aset apa pula/

saya tidak faham

kamu berpura-pura tidak faham wahai sahabatku

alangkah sempurna hidup ini jikalau hadi mempunyai aset seperti jejaka berkulit hitam

saya serius tidak faham

hmm...

tetapi tidak mengapa

saya tak mahu ada aset jejaka hitam

saya tetap menyayangi hadi

everybody loves hadi

untuk akal pemikiranmu serta mulut celupahmu

hmm.. ye lah itu

akal pemikiran bagaimana?

saya disukai semua orang

saya akan meletak perbualan melalui sistem pesanan segera 'facebook' ini di jurnal saya yang berada di laman web

saya tak benarkan

tidak, kamu harus ingat bahawa tidak semua orang menyayangi hadi

kamu bertuah kerana saya menyayangi hadi

baguslah

saya ada fan club juga

oh anak- anak kami akan menjadi sama ada tinggi bersama mata sepet ataupun rendah bersama mata sepet

hmm...

cita-cita yang sungguh indah, betulkah?

saya rela mati

hmm.. matilah sekarang jikalau begitu

Alana kau masih boleh berbahasa tagalog?

sedikit lah untuk selamatkan nyawa daripada ditembak dan dirogol oleh mafia filipino

mengapa?

ajar saya 

baiklah

puta = perempuani murahan

puto = lelaki murahan\

itu meksiko

ianya sama seperti tagalog kerana filipina dijajah oleh sepanyol selama 300 tahun

terima kasih

putang ina mo = ibumu perempuan murahan

sama-sama

2010-11-26T23:59:00.000-08:00

They say "hate" is a strong word. Well so is "love".

Verve

2010-11-01T07:52:00.000-07:00

I will dream

as I am surrounded by voices

and people

from which those voices come.

I will tune them out,

drown them,

and only will I hear the rhythm of natural graces.

My vision will not be obscured

as I trace lines on buildings and trees,

making sentient yet lifeless sketches in shades

of black, white and grey.

I will envision

The roads up to the highlands

And capture in sequenced frames the

Colour of the autumn leaves, delicate and pink

As it falls and floats away, the

brooks that babble on

in their own mysterious tongue,

The fish that boast whose fins are bigger, the

majestic form of a stag, the prince of the forest,

As its spotted hide bathes in sunlight,

its antlers produce peculiar shadows

Across the landscape of its home.

I will remember

Images,

Faces, sceneries of highways and byways

Long forgotten

Undying and undefined in beauty and glory

Of wandering strangers

Who hitch-hike their way to places

Where we seldom go,

Places we barely know.

I will imagine,

When I watch the starless night sky

as I lay on the ground and inhale the scent of grass

and earth

My mind will create and pull shapes

out of the dark clouds

And the moon,

An orb of iridescent melancholic emotions

Of howling beasts and of folk

Who have looked upon it so

For centuries over

And I will think twice

Before I say goodbye.

a poem by AAA

Now This Is Beautiful

2010-10-16T03:27:00.000-07:00

— Book 1. Twilight:
Edward: Hey.
Bella: OMG, I'm so silly. And horny.
Edward: Yes. I'm dangerous. I sparkle.
Bella: OMG you're a vampire!
Edward: Yes. Let's go play baseball.
James: I like your girl, Edward. Gotta eat her.
Edward: Roar.
James: Omnomnom Bella.
Bella: OMG I'm screaming in agony! Yes, I will be a vampire!
Edward: I'm gonna kill you, James! I'm gonna suck Bella as well.
Jacob: Oh, hi there!
— Book 2. New Moon:
Edward: Oops, gotta go.
Bella: OMG don't leave me! OMG I'm so depressed and dying in agony again.
Jacob: Oh hi there! I'm a semi-naked shape-shifter! (I mean, a werewolf!)
Bella: OMG I don't miss Edward anymore, I love you Jake!
Alice: Edward is gonna kill himself!
Bella: OMG no! BRB Jake, you're not important anymore.
Edward: I'm going to do the worst ever. I will sparkle Italians to death.
Volturi: You suck.
Bella: OMG leave him alone!
Volturi: OK, leave now bitches.
Jacob: I love you, Bella.
Bella: OMG I love Edward more, bye!
— Book 3. Eclipse:
Victoria: I'm back, bitch! I'ma cut you!
Bella: OMG no!
Edward: I'ma protect you, dinner! (I mean, Bella)
Jacob: I want to kill her too!
Riley: I will kill you!
Bella: OMG I'm frozen!
Edward: Shit I'm so cold and can't get you hot.
Jacob: Move on bitch, I will warm this whore.
Victoria: You missed me bitches?
Edward: I killed James, you twat! Now you're dead!
Bella: OMG kiss me Jake! Kay, gotta go I'm marrying Edward.
— Book 4. Breaking Dawn:
Edward: I don't want to fuck you, Bella. Marry me first.
Bella: Shit, okay.
Jacob: My heart is broken!
Bella: OMG and so is my water! I've been prego for 3 days and now my baby is ready to go!
Edward: Oh no, a monster!
Renesmee: I'ma kill you, mom :3
Volturi: We're gonna kill that bitch, she's a monster.
Bella: OMG finally I'm a vampire now! I'ma protect ma man and ma family and some other random bitches.
Volturi: Fine, you won.
Jacob: Bella I never loved you. I wanna fuck your daughter.

Today was...

2010-10-14T10:29:00.000-07:00

GREAT :)

I went out with my very best friend. Met up at KL Sentral. had lunch. went to Coffee Bean. had the Ice Blended Ginger Cookie. went to Brickfields where she had the commercial shoot/met someone very special. Met a nice blind man who is a friend of hers. went to her college. didn't get stopped by guards (yes!). but did get ogled severely (memo: use longer hijab when wearing paisley blouse). got 'takraw'-ed on the shoulder (tak sakit pun). hung out at her room. heard the story of the guy who went up to his girlfriend's dorm room and got caught by authorities with lube and a condom, ready for action. he was so scared shitless he pissed in his pants.

Met her friends for dinner at cafe. Pretended to be Saradin from Kusek (Got the name Saradin from the roti canai menu: kosong, cheerse, saradin). They all bought it! Fo shiz. did the crazy Borat accent too, only milder and more lady like. It ended with me gasping out 'Babi, dah takleh buat dowh!' and everyone at the table laughing their asses off. was stalked by decent looking dude, who presumably was thinking we were from the same country.

Headed back to Gombak. on the way encountered a group of missionaries (most probably Mormon) trying to reel in a naive looking Philipina and at the same time macking on her while telling her what is 'kosher' Mormonism (is that even correct?)! witnessed the most adorable married, young Arab couple tenderly smooching on the train. And also witnessed a little girl of probably seven (who was traveling alone, mind you! Bapak ah..) give her seat to an older gentleman. Now that was touching.

Traveling like this is fun. Especially with good company. :)

2010-10-12T02:34:00.000-07:00

“I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.” - Jack Kerouac

I don't like to admit it.. But I'm sad. Not about a specific thing, but just sad in general.. But if you know me, if you are one of the people who I hold dear to my heart, then you would know I'm lying..

Whatever 'thing' that might be troubling me, it is minuscule. But somehow or other, its the littlest things that can bug you the most. The supposed unimportant issues. On top of it all, I worry about other crap too: my responsibilities as a daughter and a student, family, faith, being good to others, the friends I choose, seeking more knowledge, acquiring wisdom.. and so on. And what do you do with all these topics and ideas? You think about it. For me, it's in a constant swirl motion in my mind. And you contemplate, tafakkur, tadabbur, ta'aqqul until you come to a point when your brain is so wracked with thoughts, it's not even funny. Obviously.

I've never really been the type of person to pay attention to ambiguous metaphors. Is the glass half empty or half full. Whatever the hell people even mean to create that kind of shit that just fucks with your brain all the more - I don't know. But friends, let's just take those kinds of things in stride. Everything has its reasons, everything. People can try to figure out or decipher what shit means, but it always comes back to the person who first conjured the shit up, because only they and God know.

If it seems like I'm making no sense, then please stop reading. Save your poor defenseless brain from any more harm. Because heaven forbid we use more than the given 3% of our brains! Shit.

There will come a time when none of this will matter. When you and I along with the rest of the world will cease to be significant. But until that day comes, you better be joking if you think I'm not going to do anything about it now. To salvage whatever is left of...people. And I say that with the utmost disdain.

George Weilgus said, "Whatever happened to unity, unity, U-NI-TY? Whatever happened to YOU-AND-ME?" There are just so many things that make us so unbelievably different that we're just unacceptable to one another. We can be so hateful. So disgusting. So..so many things. Oh if I could but pray to Allah to have His angels come down and take my heart and cleanse it and have that done to all of us.

Such manic thoughts for a tiresome Tuesday as this.

“What is the feeling when you're driving away from people, and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? -it's the too huge world vaulting us, and it's good-bye. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.” - Jack Kerouac

BEAT-coz we iZ AWESOME!

2010-10-10T01:54:00.000-07:00

My oh my.. What a wonderful Beatnik Bash we had! Seriously, the poetry performance was a hit! In my eyes and hopefully everyone else's.. The journey was rocky, but the end result was just..wow.. I couldn't have asked for better teammates. Section 2, I'm so proud of our success! YOU ROCK!! Woohoo!!!

Slam Photos, Courtesy of Mr.Sion

2010-09-24T01:58:00.000-07:00

The Winners

La Organiser

Who took my picture?? Matt!

The Hostess with The Mostess

My Homegirl KMK

Tolkien Humour

2010-09-15T22:52:00.002-07:00

One OS to rule them all
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows on my PC, I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows CD. Too my astonishment and distress he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned it on. I was upset because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.' After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold and it seemed to have become thicker and heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, in lines finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:
4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C204F6E65204F5320746F 2066696E64207468656D2C0D0A4F6E65204F5320746F206272696E67207468656D20 616C6C20616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062696E64207468656D
'I cannot read the fiery letters,' I said.
'No,' he said, 'but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:'
One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

Would you

2010-09-09T09:37:00.001-07:00

rather live a life devoted to your religion with a partner you don't love...Or would you love someone with so much devotion and have it returned the same way but live in negligence of your religious calling?

Take your pick

Lawak Betul

2010-09-05T03:31:00.000-07:00

Brad: hello>?

lana: hey

lana: something's wrong with the connection

Brad: what happened?

lana: continue

Brad: oh ok

Brad: u have a virus....

lana: don t say that!

Brad: unless u 'just sent me a really cool emotocon'

lana: yeah its an emoticon

lana: that u can't see

lana: kalaulah kau tahu perasaan ku

BUZZ!!!

Brad: oh ok then never mind lol =)

Brad: if you know my feeling? im cofused....

BUZZ!!!

lana: wrong person to send that to

Brad: its ok

Brad: ok ill try...

Brad: berbicara di Melayu membingungkan, tapi im belajar

lana: woi! how did you knw that?

lana: OH MY GOD

Brad: im just awesome =)

lana: am i dreaming???

lana: are u secretly not from australia??

Brad: Anda arent bermimpi, im berusaha mempelajari bahasa lain

Brad: i really hope im saying that right...

lana: yeah!

lana: a bit

Brad: lmao

lana: holy crap!

lana: when and how did u start learning??

lana: why?

Brad: ini menyenangkan

Brad: haha =)

lana: dude, this is freaky

lana: holy shit

Brad: haha =)

lana: are you sure ur not one of my friends playing a cruel joke on me for years???

lana: how long have we known each other?

Brad: haha two years, and no

Brad: Ok so i mungkin menggunakan penterjemah internet untuk membantu saya.

Brad: but i had u going didnt i?

lana: ok wow

lana: FUCK U!

Brad: haha get in line =)

lana: ur such an ass!

Brad: that was fun...

lana: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargggggggggggghhhhh!!!

Brad: aw come on how could u be mad =)

lana: u had me

Brad: smile

lana: gosh, i can't stop laughing

Brad: i know... haha =)

lana: asshole!

Brad: hey come on, im just resourceful =)

lana: yeah yeah

Brad: but i am seriously trying to learn other languages

lana: wait, does that mean u've been translating posts on my blog that are written in malay?

lana: thats really good..

BUZZ!!!

Brad: no it doesnt, but maybe i should? =)

lana: no.

lana: don't

lana: hey brb, my friend's asking me what all the fuss it about

Brad: ada hal-hal yang anda tidak mahu aku baca?

lana: kau seniap boleh tak?

lana: kecoh gila

lana: tunggu jap

Brad: haha =)

Brad: why not?

BUZZ!!!

Last message received on 11/7/2010 at 1:43 PM

BUZZ!!!

lana: am back

lana: gosh man

lana: anough with the

BUZZ!!!

lana: *enough

30 Thing Guys Want Girls To Know

2010-09-03T18:55:00.000-07:00

Posted by prakashdaniel, 26 May 2008

1. We’re not as perverted as you think we all are.

2. No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS a LOSER.

3. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.

4. Don’t argue with us when we call you beautiful.

5. Don’t treat us like crap, what goes around comes around.

6. We know you’re pretty, that’s one of the reason’s we’re going out with you.

7. Don’t go into detail about your period. It scares us.

8. If you have cramps and we ask you what’s wrong, just tell us it’s that time of the month and nothing more.

9. If you really liked us for us, you would let us think that our mustache, beard, or sideburns looked cool.

10. We never shave our legs. So get over it

11. NEVER ask us if you can put makeup on us. It’s just wrong…………

12. Don’t make bets about us, because one of your friends will tell us, if you don’t

13. When we tell you that you’re not fat, believe us

14. We absolutely do not care about the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, 98 Degrees, or what any other guy looks like for that matter.

15. We may not be able to pee accurately all of the time, but at least we can stand up and go pee.

16. Just cause you think you’re always right, doesn’t mean that you don’t have to apologize when you do something ‘wrong.’

17. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.

18. We can’t always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes.

19. Don’t ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you might get what you wish for.

20. Never kick us in the nuts ‘just to see what we would say’. That’s just mean.

21. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you.

22. Pamela Anderson’s boobs aren’t fake anymore, but we like yours better anyway.

23. Size doesn’t matter, except to idiots who don’t want a relationship.

24. PMS is not an excuse.

25. If you want us to put the seat down when we’re done, you should put it up when you’re done.

26………… Don’t tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn’t turn us on

27. And always remember: The way to a guys heart is through his stomach….. and maybe….oh nevermind.

28. NEVER ask us to kiss other guys. You might be that comfy with your friends, but to us it’s just wrong.

29. We always notice how funny it is after your rip out our heart, stick it down our throat and still want to be friends.

30. And last but not least: We know you’re not always right, but we’ll pretend like you are anyway.

Bonjour Monsieur

2010-09-03T06:32:00.000-07:00

Oh Gaspard.. My love.. You've shed your days as the cannibalistic sexy maniac you played in Hannibal Rising.. You did Sir Hopkins proud on that note. You've also come a long way fro Le Dernier Jour, that awful film, with the strangely appealing Melanie Laurent. I've adored you for so long.. And here you are at the height of your sexiness.. The face of Blue De CHANEL!!

I might love your scent more than that of the spicy essence of Kanebo. Oh glorious Gaspard Ulliel... You make my heart soar! My thighs quiver, my crotch wet, my prostate weak (eh?), my bladder full to bursting! (Ok, ok..)

Make love to me!!!

Matt Sion

2010-09-03T04:43:00.000-07:00